30 — NO

I am anxious.

It starts in the right hand lower corner of my heart. Not palpitations — no — tightness. But not in my whole chest. Just there. And it rises up the right side but not the left —  and the right side of my heart feels like …

it feels sore.

But on the left side — my heart is beating normally. Seemingly free of conflict. It knows I have to say the word. It knows the reasons why I have to say the word. It knows that it’s correct to say that word.

The left side of my heart knows that I cannot say yes. Even though my social and friend-goal motivations want me to say yes.

I have to say no.

I have to say no because saying no to one thing means saying “yes” to following through with my true goals, the ones that will last. That “yes” is un-moveable right now.

So I say no.

I don’t feel any better about it.

I say it anyway.

This is a big picture no. An important no.

One for the book.

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