I’ve been writing in my journal instead of here… I was out of any strong enough signal and I didn’t have the effort in my soul to fight the Internet and the reality of the past weekend. But I will still aim for 50 posts on here so I’m counting Internet days — which will not always be consecutive– but they will be 50 strong and here.
I wanted to to write a long love letter last night
But when I searched for the words, they couldn’t come.
They are as silent as you are.
and I suppose that’s why they always say “silent as the grave”
that term sounds mean to me now.
I wonder what terms I’m still using
that hurt the quiet masses
and if I’d stop saying them if I knew.
(I hope so)
this is what I have:
My littlest Nibling,
I have loved you since the moment I heard of your existence. I laughed in joy and fun when I heard you were expected. I thought you would be a boy and a boy you were.
When I told your mom so, she asked what it is you do with growing boys. I told her to give you a stick to play with and you would have enough. I thought about how I might fake sword fight with you, or you would do the same with my one day son.
When I saw you face to face — you didn’t ask for entertainment — you only snuggled close in to the heartbeat that had echoed through your whole existence. She didn’t need to worry — all you ever needed from her was the love she bore for and through you.
I have loved you, little boy, and love you I will always. Until we play swords together in a backyard somewhere.
All of my love, little Austin,