I have issues

It always starts the same way. A creeping feeling that you are not alone in yourself. A sedated thought of something you knew once… something that feels all too familiar and rubs against old scars that are still a little too tender to be touched yet. Something like loneliness, something like fear. Thats how I know I’ve really started the deployment dance with time. I look at a calendar and see only blackout dates — times we’ll be with family — times he’ll be in training — and every so often a white sliver shows of a day he’ll be home early and maybe I’ll get time. I don’t remember where the year has gone. I wish it hadn’t gone so fast, between getting over Afghanistan to intensive training to now. I remember there was a Christmas — and that this was the year of my first new years kiss. I remember that he had a birthday and our friends were all there. I remember the day I ran to the beach and sat on the pier alone with my thoughts. I remember the days I ran into his arms when he got home. I remember a coffee shop a long time ago where I think I was content just to be alive. I remember a year, but not one with him — just glimpses of moments, not satchels of time. Please don’t think that it’s awful — I think it’s just how grown ups work; when you are working, and training, and living in between. I’m good with the time, I just wish it wasn’t coming to a fare-well until next spring.

I push away September with everything I have. But it makes me uncomfortable all of the time, I know that it’s there — looming and watching, and when I’m alone, I hear winter sing.  Enjoy the moments. and enjoy them I do smiling as loudly as I possibly can. Joy is everywhere- behind and before me, I know that the time will make us better and can later be shared. I know that there is goodness coming with the winter. This deployment will be easy compared to the last one we won. I’m just telling you I’m dancing on the ledge of a winter — as midsummer has passed and training and others fill the empty space. I don’t know where I’m going with this drawn out reflection I just know when I get there I’ll know the place.

 

sparrow

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1 Comment

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One response to “I have issues

  1. trustbelievefaithhopelove

    You will, handle it with grace… i wish my September would near and yours could be so much farther away.

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