maybe a little too much

Sometimes I think I’ve gone over the edge. I’m going good, I’m going good, I’m going good. I get a fresh job, one where I’m writing, one where I’m getting paid to do something people say I’m good at. Maybe even something I love doing. But I am so scared of becoming attached to anything that I can’t find a way to just be — and know it’s good. I have these mad moments when I think no one is listening where I rave about how much I’m not sure about the job.
But the Lance Corporal is hearing me, and making fun of me for finding something to complain about — when the position is beyond my wildest dreams. But tomorrow I have a final interview, and I’m terrified I wont be good enough for whatever it is that they’ve been thinking I am. Wouldn’t that just stink beyond reason. Because it’s got to be worse to have loved something and then not have it, than to never have known it was an option.

It isn’t as though I haven’t been offered other jobs, two, both better paying and one of them with a law firm… and that could be amazing too. And maybe it’s all in the plan. But you see… I don’t even want to pretend to get attached, every time I get attached — I move, or it leaves, and why should I waste my time and my heart on bits of life that are fleeting.

Yet, why should I go all of my life afraid of ever showing my colors again, afraid of leaving bits of my soul everywhere, why should I live only halfway… or be only pastels… when I can live wholly and in the primary colors I love?

Sometimes I feel like my heart’s a full bottle and eventually I know it wont take anymore and that will be the day I say everything and love everything and am everything I’m afraid of.

The Lance Corporal is in the field tonight and will be (most likely) until Friday. I’ve got no reason to lament… he should have been gone the whole month of January, he should be leaving again for three months in March. So I lose a week when I should have lost 16. But still I miss him terribly. I remembered something — or a lot of somethings, moments, rather — of where I was and where he was this time last year. I feel so blessed that I’ve only got to wait four nights. Its funny, when he’s gone for a night… I sort of go into the deployment person again, I can remember all of the weird details of living without him beside me, how I wont sleep well tonight in case he calls… and he wont… not at odd hours anyway, because he’s only 45 minutes away, training to be a sniper. If something terrible were to happen, he would be home right away. Isn’t it funny that the girl who I was then then still haunts me when I am alone. I miss my incredible husband beyond reason. (seriously, it’s unreasonable)

Tonight my friend will give birth to her first born son. She’s been in labor since 7 am. If you read this tonight, pray for her… blessings. This boy will be the first born of my marine family since the return of 3/5. I couldn’t be more excited!

Love and dark chocolate to you all. I don’t feel much better, but at least I’m a touch less compressed.




January 30, 2012 · 7:35 pm

2 responses to “maybe a little too much

  1. O beautiful writer, and beautiful wife, and beautiful friend. Sometimes writing it all out is the best way through. You are adored by me and many others. You blessed my life just by breathing today. Rest…and eat chocolate.

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